OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
