Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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