It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
