so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
