Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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