I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
