She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
