Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
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How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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