Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
