If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
