census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
