awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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