How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
