I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i used baking grease as lip gloss
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
