when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
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I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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