I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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