I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
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I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
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Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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