My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Is Oprah even human
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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