i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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