Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
