Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
