Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
