I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
