Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize