So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
