your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
