I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
