I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
