If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He felt like a one man threesome
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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