omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Randomize
