OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Randomize
