uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
