I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wish life had little blips of pornography
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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