Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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