Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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