the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
