I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?