1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My cat gives me a boner
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on