Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
