im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
