I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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