I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
