k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
you never un-have a 4some
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
