You just made me feel so damn special
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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