I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
