yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
