I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
