I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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