Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It's rum buckets o'clock
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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