I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
