My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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