there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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