Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
