the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
