we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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