1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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