It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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