Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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